Sometimes it's really really tough

My views on women who work are not shared by everyone and this was one of those days when the working mother looks like the baddie.  

Last week was a really tough week. One of those weeks when you think I just can’t do this anymore.  The purpose of WoMo Network isn’t to say you can ‘have it all’ and it is all easy, it is to find a shared resource so that whether you are having a good week or a bad week, you have somewhere to find support.

As I write this I am on a long haul flight overseas for work. I am away for 6 nights and have a packed schedule.  Yesterday evening my 10 month old had a head injury that had me rushing him to A&E.  Fortunately he is ok, although the 4 hours I spent in A&E with him under observation had me, not him, sobbing on the doctors. I felt like a terrible mum.  I took my eyes of him for a second which makes it my fault.  He is fine, but currently has a bump on his head which will go through stages of blue and green before it disappears.  And where will I be?  Overseas. 

I said to the Doctor before I left A&E, I am meant to be on a business trip tomorrow, what do I do?  I can’t leave him.  She was a sensible doctor and a working mum herself and understood.  She reassured me if he had a good night, slept well, ate his breakfast and drank his milk as normal, and I felt he was his usual self, I should go.  I wouldn’t fix his bump by being there.  With his Dad at home and our brilliant nanny I knew he would be in good hands, but my role as a Mummy ripped my heart in two to think about leaving my little person and getting on a plane.  As a Mum I think it is really easy to think we are the only ones who can hold our children and make them better when they are sick or unwell, and allowing someone else to do it in our absence isn’t easy.  We gave birth to them after all, surely we must be best placed in these scenarios?

He slept like a dream, woke up the next morning smiling, had all his milk, ate all his breakfast and if he didn’t have a bump on his head, you would think there was nothing wrong.  My head told me to go on the business trip, he was ok, and was smiling and jolly.  My heart was telling me I couldn’t possibly leave.  And here is the ultimate conundrum for a WoMo with a career and children.  There are just some moments when you are ripped so painfully in half and you just have to trust in other people. I know he is loved and cared for when I’m not there and I know he is a happy little boy without my physical presence every moment of every day, so I held him, I cried, I kissed him and I said goodbye.

You might be appalled as you read this but I have a job to do and sometimes you just have to do it.  It hurts, it really really hurts and last week being a WoMo totally sucked.  It was shit last week and it was a bad day as I said goodbye and got on the plane, and that’s why I wanted to share.  Because sometimes it’s hard.  Properly hard and it doesn’t run smoothly and it feels like it’s all just too hard.  So I got on the plane, I miss him desperately and when I return in 6 nights and hold him in my arms it will be the best moment of my week.  

And over the 6 days I am super grateful for Facetime.