If you are divorced, the idea of lockdown in your own home has more than one nightmare scenario.
Nightmare scenario number 1 is your divorce is in the early stages or still messy. Perhaps you are still in conflict, negotiations are loaded with anxiety and you dread most conversations. Maybe your custody arrangement isn’t in place yet so you have no fixed plan.
Nightmare number 2, you are in the really early stages. You have asked your partner for a divorce but are still residing under the same roof. Now you are officially locked down with your least favourite person. Cue emoji for shock-horror/panic stricken face.
Nightmare number 3, your divorce is done and dusted, it has been ticking along nicely with the kids going between the two of you and now one of you has a far more extreme view than the other of the plan that will operate between you during lockdown.
NONE of these are ideal. They are all filled with varying levels of anger, upset and tears. Let’s be serious the kids are already peed off. They aren’t seeing their friends, screen time used to be fun and has now replaced school and any quality time has been replaced with their mother saying ‘ssshhh, I am on a work call’. Then add in their parents in conflict… no one needs it.
So how do we navigate these treachorous times?
I can say from experience, these were the things that worked for me in negotiation hell:
Put things in writing. A calmly written email, ideally when not in the height of emotion, can be a good way to articulate your view. Then keep it in draft for a couple of hours. Re-read, adjust and send later. You will always change something which goes to show a bit of a breather between writing and sending is worth it.
If you are furious, and have had a fiesty exchange, do nothing. Pause, breathe, wait. It’s REALLY hard when you want to rant and rage, and if you need to write yourself an email or call a buddy and let off steam, then do that instead.
If the yelling rage happens, and you are shouting at one another down the phone (we are all human and it happens) walk away from the kids. Take it to another room.
If you are still under the same roof, try and have a kid plan. So one of you takes the morning for example and then switch. This leaves the other person to hide in another room, take time out, go for a walk or whatever works. Depends on the age of your kids but taking you time is essential, however short.
I am firmly in nightmare 3 where we disagree vehemently on the precautions needed to protect our family. I think our children going between us during lockdown is completely reasonable. As long as he and I are not seeing anyone else, what is the risk? It is our enclosed family just in 2 houses. And if you want clear permission from the government, they too have said this is ok.
Either way there is a whole lot of solo parenting going on when you are divorced. It is challenging, and you will have hours, days and maybe weeks completely on your own. Well done! I feel you, and I am sending you lots of love and strength whereever you are.