First of all, congratulations!
If you are reading this on your maternity leave, I just want you to know what a great job you’re doing. The first few months after your children are born can be some of the most challenging, heart-warming and exhausting of your life and I promise – you’re doing amazingly.
When I was first approached to write a guest post aimed at working mums, I thought that I wouldn’t possibly be able to offer any useful advice; I haven’t returned to my career as a childcare lawyer since having my son and I don’t think I intend to. However, I thought some more and realised I can share a little advice for your maternity leave that I hope will be helpful, so here goes:
When I was a new mum a quote somewhere “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
WHAT?! If you are like me, your perfectionist brain will be exploding at the thought of doing anything poorly. The quote itself didn’t relate to being a new parent, but I think it works so well in this context. The more exhausted I became in those first weeks, the more I started to lean into the idea.
If you don’t have the energy to brush your teeth for the full two minutes, a quick brush and some mouthwash is better than nothing. If you can’t bring yourself to listen to your baby crying for the length of a nice shower, a quick hop in and out is better than nothing.
You might not have time to drink a whole cup of coffee whilst it is hot, but a few sips of warm coffee is (DEFINITELY) better than none. You might only have 10 minutes for a stroll outside between your partner getting home and the next feed; they are worth taking.
The point being, in those first few weeks and months, be gentle with yourself, do not expect perfection and try to find even the briefest time to look after yourself; if it is worth doing (and it is) then it is better to do it poorly than not at all. I think perhaps I’d change the quote to “anything worth doing is worth doing as well as your resources (time, exhaustion levels, expense) allow” but it isn’t quite as catchy, is it?
As you find yourself settling into being a parent, that advice might be less relevant. You’ll hopefully start to have a bit more time to yourself (although the phantom crying you hear every time you shower will likely linger a bit longer!) and opportunities for basic self-care will become more plentiful. However, I would still advise you to go really easy on yourself.
Some weeks you will fill to the brim with activities and you will love every moment. Some might be filled with CBeebies and you will be wishing them away. Please hold space for both experiences and do not feel guilty for the times when you are finding it hard or clock-watching until bedtime.
Hard things are hard; things that matter a great deal aren’t supposed to be easy. And this matters so much. Now don’t panic – in my opinion their vegetable intake, screen time and all the other things we think about so much day-to-day is simply filler for the stuff that actually does matter. And the stuff that does matter is what you’re already doing; the loving. The unconditional (no matter what time of day or night, no matter how many times I get bitten or screamed at or have my lovingly prepared food thrown on the floor) LOVE.
So I will finish how I started; you are doing great.
If you enjoyed reading this, please do come on over to @notes_on_motherhood on Instagram or www.notesonmotherhood.co.uk where I share beautiful Notes written by fellow parents and, occasionally, some of my own thoughts too! If you’d like to contribute a Note, do get in touch on info@notesonmotherhood.co.uk